Category: Subtopic: How to Communicate in Relationships

Asking questions isn’t always the best way to grow a relationship. Here’s why—and what to do instead if you are in a long-term or new relationship.

#1 Our questions can limit the agenda.

When my spouse and I go “out for coffee,” we often have relational issues in the back of our minds.

But sometimes the first question sets the entire agenda. The more meaningful the question, the more likely it will dictate the topic—for good or bad, fairly or unfairly.

What if the person who didn’t get to ask a question really needed to talk about something else?

#2 Our questions are frequently interpreted as criticism.

For instance, starting a conversation with a question like “What have you been up to?” can be interpreted as “Why haven’t you been doing something else?” or even “You’re wasting your time.”

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Two patterns cause most of our communication breakdowns. Identifying and addressing them can help us communicate far more effectively.

First, we emotionally cocoon ourselves.

We’re not willing to open up. We’re afraid of what others will think—especially someone in authority, such as a boss, parent, or pastor.

So we take the safe route. We guard our hearts.

In organizations where there is a lack of trust, practically everyone cocoons, and leadership has little idea what anyone truly thinks, even about the organization and its leaders.

The result is that leaders bring in expensive consultants to reveal the otherwise obvious—communication is a mess and no one wants to talk about it except anonymously.

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