Asking questions isn’t always the best way to grow a relationship. Here’s why—and what to do instead if you are in a long-term or new relationship.
#1 Our questions can limit the agenda.
When my spouse and I go “out for coffee,” we often have relational issues in the back of our minds.
But sometimes the first question sets the entire agenda. The more meaningful the question, the more likely it will dictate the topic—for good or bad, fairly or unfairly.
What if the person who didn’t get to ask a question really needed to talk about something else?
#2 Our questions are frequently interpreted as criticism.
For instance, starting a conversation with a question like “What have you been up to?” can be interpreted as “Why haven’t you been doing something else?” or even “You’re wasting your time.”
When this happens, defensiveness and criticism show up like little devils, rooting for an argument.
In a new relationship, questions can lead to uncomfortable answers and even a bit of embarrassment. It’s hard to know what to ask that will promote discussion rather than kill it.
#3 Our questions can interrupt the natural flow of conversation.
It’s not easy to ask questions and maintain needed dialogue.
Questions can easily divert the conversation before both persons have finished speaking on a topic. People who ask one question after another to try to fill uncomfortable silence come across as intrusive and controlling.
Some people use questions to change subjects. Liars often are quite good at this. They employ topic-shifting questions to hide their deception. Watch for it in new relationships. Not good.
These three potential problems aren’t reasons to avoid asking questions. They should remind us that a question isn’t always the best way to deepen understanding and build relationships.
A Fun Alternative
I would like to suggest a practice that I learned from another communication professor who was a great friend and mentor.
Before you start a relational conversation (one that will involve talking about the relationship, however new or advanced), separately write down and rank up to three topics you would like to talk about—topics, not questions.
Then spend time discussing each of the topics, beginning with the top one for each person.
The only rule is this: Equal time has to be devoted to each topic. For instance, you might set 10 minutes for each one. Or see how long the first one takes for the first person, and then allocate equivalent time for the other person’s top-ranked topic.
Flip a coin to see who goes first. Really. It will lighten up the tone at the beginning.
This process might sound formal or restrictive. Actually, you’ll find that it nurtures healthy communication. You’ll also discover that each of you will feel more valued and respected. Give it a try, with a spirit of fun and adventure.
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If you are in a brand new relationship or even on a first or second date, try the same thing. Just use fun, even off-the-wall topics. It will break the ice without requiring answers to specific questions.
Try adding these topics to your own ice-breaking list: fun, pets, travel, and movies.
In general, topics promote more and more honest discussion than do questions.
— Dr. Q