Two patterns cause most of our communication breakdowns. Identifying and addressing them can help us communicate far more effectively.
First, we emotionally cocoon ourselves.
We’re not willing to open up. We’re afraid of what others will think—especially someone in authority, such as a boss, parent, or pastor.
So we take the safe route. We guard our hearts.
In organizations where there is a lack of trust, practically everyone cocoons, and leadership has little idea what anyone truly thinks, even about the organization and its leaders.
The result is that leaders bring in expensive consultants to reveal the otherwise obvious—communication is a mess and no one wants to talk about it except anonymously.
Second, we criticize others.
We play a blame game to make ourselves feel better.
For instance, much of our gossip is really designed to make us feel superior to those we gossip about. Gossip is one the most telling signs of corrupted relationships.
Of course we often have good “reasons” to be critical of others. But others have plenty of reasons to be critical of us as well. We all could fill oceans with rationales. They won’t enhance our communication. They will just make us feel more self-righteous.
Unless expressed humbly, criticism almost always thwarts shared understanding. And it causes more cocooning.
These two patterns dog us daily. Learning how to address them is wisdom, gained and seasoned over time. It requires courage and a generous heart.
The first step is admitting the mess.
The second is acknowledging our own parts in the mess.
The third is rebuilding trust through open, honest, non-judgmental interactions about the mess.
These three steps are critically important in all of our relationships. Anyone who courageously addresses these steps is a leader in the relationship.
— Dr. Q Twitter: @quentinschultze.com
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